What is it to be a man? It is from this question that our tournament began. It is at once an effort bond through our common maleness and to help define our own masculinity. It’s also a chance to screw around at work between projects.
And so we take on this ambitious challenge. What traits are inherently manly, and by what standards do we define the ideal man? Yes, there are simple measures like physical brawn, a chiseled jaw, or thick facial hair. But we must also weigh a man’s accomplishments, his persona, and in the end, our instinctual identification with that which is “male.”
There is no clear-cut answer. This will not be a perfect tournament. Worthy competitors will be left out. Worthy opponents will be crushed in early rounds. This is the best we can do.
After all, we are merely men.
Feature Matchups
| Sean Connery |
Kirk Gibson |
 |
 |
Who is he?
A Scottish actor and producer.
Accomplishments:
- Academy Award
-2 BAFTA Awards
-3 Golden Globes
-The definitive James Bond
-Has been polled as “The Greatest Living Scot” and was knighted in 2000
-Proclaimed “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine and at age 69 was voted “Sexiest Man of the Century”
-A bronze sculpture of Connery is placed at the capital city of Estonia
Masculine Signature:
Badass voice
Weakness:
Cigarettes
Quote:
“I admit I’m being paid well, but it’s no more than I deserve. After all, I’ve been screwed more times than a hooker.” |
Who is he?
Major League Baseball coach and former player
Accomplishments:
-National League MVP 1988
-Two Time World Series champion
-Silver Slugger Award 1988
-1984 ALCS MVP
-All American Wide receiver at Michigan State
-Clutch home-run hitter
-Hit the game-winning home run in the 1988 World Series with two injured legs and a stomach virus
Masculine Signature:
Nerves of steel
Weakness:
Slider down and away
Quote:
“I’m not out here to win a beauty contest.” |
| WINNER = Sean Connery |
| Samuel L. Jackson |
Johnny Cash |
 |
 |
Who is he?
Actor/Producer
Accomplishments:
-Civil rights activist
-Arrested on felony charges for holding Morehouse College board of trustee members hostage in the name of civil rights
-Kicked a Heroin and Cocaine addiction
-Cannes Film Festival created a special “Supporting Actor” award just for him for his role in “Do the Right Thing.”
-Best Supporting actor nomination for Pulp Fiction
Masculine Signature:
Piercing beady stare
Weakness:
Drugs
Quote:
“Not everybody goes to movies to get their life changed.” |
Who is he?
Musician, actor, author, show host
Accomplishments:
-Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame
-Country Music Hall of Fame
-Respected by even the most hardened criminals
-Served in the Air Force
-Countless Grammy and Country Music awards
-Native American activist
-Succeeded despite refusing to conform to Nashville conventions
Masculine Signature:
Booming baritone voice
Weakness:
Amphetamines
Quote:
“Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money.” |
| WINNER = Johnny Cash |
| Clay Matthews |
Clint Eastwood |
 |
 |
Who is he?
A linebacker for the Green Bay Packers, he was born into a football family.
Accomplishments:
-Went from walk-on student athlete to NFL superstar
-Earned the nickname wonder boy with 111 tackles and 23.5 sacks so far
-Drafted in the first round of the 2009 NFL draft, with the 26th overall pick
-Holds the record for most sacks as a Rookie and the first Packers rookie to earn a Pro Bowl selection since receiver James Lofton in 1978
-Has received numerous awards including NFC Defensive Player of the Year
-Super Bowl Champion XLV
Masculine Signature:
Tenacious quarterback rush
Weakness:
Long flowing blonde hair
Quote:
“Sunday is when I let my alter ego out.” |
Who is he?
An American film actor, director, producer and composer.
Accomplishments:
-Established his own production company
-Served as the nonpartisan mayor of Carmel-by-the-Sea, California where he supported small business interests and environmental protection.
-5 Academy Awards
-5Golden Globe Awards
-Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award
- 2 Cannes Film Festival awards
-5 People’s Choice awards.
-Played countless badass cowboys and cops
Masculine Signature:
Toughest squint in hollywood
Weakness:
Every Which Way but Loose
Quote:
“I have a very strict gun policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.” |
| WINNER = Clint Eastwood |
March 25th, 2011 at 9:00 am
Any manness tourney that has Clay Flippin’ Matthews on it and leaves off Muhammad Ali is fundamentally flawed. That’s a crime against all men who ever lived. Needs to be fixed immediately.
March 25th, 2011 at 10:00 am
I can’t believe Clay Matthews lost to Clint Eastwood. Brett better beat out McCain or I’m really going to be on fire.
April 5th, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Brandon, I think you meant to say “Super Bowl Champion Clay Matthews”…